Sweet Minty Jesus, it's Christmas

It's that special time of year again...the snow is falling (wait, no it's not, it just rained)...the family is near (wait, no they aren't, it's just me and my mom this year...and she's driving me nuts)...the presents are under the tree (wait, no they aren't, there is no spoon tree and I received no presents)...and I'm cuddling with my sweetheart by the fire (wait, does a commitment-phobe who really doesn't like me that much count? No? And swing and a miss).

*Sigh* 

It's Christmas again...and I feel like crying again. Not because I'm alone (that commitment-phobe doesn't count and I'm not going to lie to myself and say he does, he's just a band-aid on a stab wound...and he'll be tossed out in the NYD garbage like the empty bottle of whatever I'll be drinking because I'm not moving into a new year with folks who really aren't here for me) and not because I didn't get any gifts, but just because it doesn't really feel like Christmas. I tried listening to some music, but that didn't really help. My mother is driving me to drink, but like the idiot I am, I didn't stock up on proper hard liquor before stores closed on Christmas eve...so I'm drowning myself in wine and (yuck) beer. 

Well, I have one thing to be grateful for this year: at least I don't feel like slitting my wrists the right way, so I guess that's an improvement from 2011. Still, is it bad that I was a tad disappointed the world didn't end on 12/21? It is? Meh...I don't give a shit. I'm also proud of myself for not vomiting my sadness all over fb this holiday season...no need to ruin the good cheer of those who haven't hidden me in their newsfeed yet. Oh...and I had to feign absolute joy with the "surprise" (note: yeah right, attention whores) engagements and baby announcements on fb all day (welp, that's six more people I'm hiding from my timeline...me and my missing uterus don't give a single solitary fuck about your pregnancy, congrats, have fun with that).

Next week is NYE...I'm going to the annual NYE BADASS rave up in Baltimore. I'd hoped I wouldn't have to go alone, but ye ole commitment-phobe is refusing to say he's definitely coming or not, so I purchased a single ticket and told him if he didn't want to come, it was no big deal and I'd just go alone (note: it is a big deal and that was a test...and he failed...quelle surprise). I was so excited when he professed his love for EDM, I thought it would mean more of a chance to do things together that we both enjoyed, but alas, no. Oh well...but I'm holding out hope, maybe I'll meet a really nice guy at this party and start the new year on a high note instead of a lonely drive home while crying at the tatters of my life...one can dream right? Please? Anyone? Bueller? 

Also, I miss my dog...like a lot. I can't wait for him to come home. At least that's one male in my life who loves me unconditionally. And on that note, I need a drink because that's probably the most pathetically sad thought to ever cross my mind.

*drops mic*

Pardon me, but did you know you're an alcoholic?

So my mother told me she was worried I was turning into an alcoholic the other day, to which I replied (quite sarcastically): "I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk...alcoholics go to meetings."

She did not see the humor in that statement.

I tried to explain to her my sleep issues, the horrendous derailment of my life and the thoughts in my head that are slowly driving me mad. Thoughts that only the sweet, sweet nectar of the gods can temporarily kill, but she said I should try therapy instead. No thanks, booze is cheaper. Anyway, I thought I'd post a drink/shot recipe and a song everyday this month (I know, I'm running behind already...natch). Because really, what's the point in hating life while sober?

'Tis the season to be merry...oh wait, that was last month. ;)

Well, let me kick off this madness with something I could desperately use. I give you the...

Mind Eraser
1-1/4 ounce Coffee Liqueur
3/4 ounce Vodka
Splash Club Soda
Build over ice.  Serve with a straw.

Yes...a straw (I don't fuckin' know whose idea it was either, but I'm gonna attempt to do this when I get home).

I'm actually in a half-decent mood today, so I'll accompany this little doozy with a song I'm loving right now. I give you...

Slumber - Original Mix
Steve Forte feat. Lindsey Ray
Tiesto - Club Life

Christmas Time Is Here...

...and I'm spending it alone...again.

*sigh*

Well, I'm not on the verge of offing myself, so I guess that's an improvement from last year. Heh. 

I think I may go the George Costanza route and celebrate Festivus with an airing of grievances. At least my puppy can't destroy a metal pole, Lord knows I know better than to attempt to erect an actual Christmas tree with ornaments and tinsel and whatnot for him to jump into and chew up.

I'm not going back to Vegas either, I basically splurged my entire Christmas bonus last year for that trip and while fun, totally not worth the headache of being broke in January.

This year I'm going to rave as much as possible. I just went to Fall Massive the Saturday following Thanksgiving and had a blast (seriously, I haven't felt so much like my old self since my life took a nosedive into the darkest pits of hell). 

I'm planning on going to a NYE rave up in Bmore and I'm trying to find stuff to attend before then. I really only feel like the old me when I'm raving. Maybe it's the music, maybe it's the crowd (hell, maybe it's the happy pills), or maybe some combination of all three. But whatever it is, it's good therapy. I forget all my troubles for a few blessed hours, I love myself again, and I remember the person I used to be. It's been so long since I've been the old me and it's refreshing to see the effect I have on my fellow ravers (I am a love magnet...I had several people come up to me at Massive to say they loved me and give me a hug---and a few free drinks, tee-hee--all the while ignoring the people I was with until I turned to them to make an introduction). 

A dear friend of mine once told me that my mood makes the party, that folks feel like smiling when they see me smiling and the fact that I'm happy seems to make things that much better (and for the record, he was sober when he said this lol). That's not me being conceited, but sometimes I notice how the room changes with my mood. Kind of bittersweet, I don't always feel like being happy and sometimes I really resent how my friends take offense to me not wanting to be bubbly all the damn time. I'm a person dammit! My life sucks sometimes...let me be upset for five minutes before I revert to fucking entertaining you!

Oy...things need to start looking up or I need to be raving every weekend because I can't do another year in this rut...I just can't. If I find myself in this same position another year from now, no amount of booze or pills will save me from myself, I'm tired.

I leave you with my new favorite DJ, Skrillex...the name of this track is so apropos right now.

*drops mic*

Stairway to where...?

I'm sitting at the base of the steps...more aptly, I'm recovering from my fall at the base of the steps.

I don't recognize the person in the mirror anymore. That scares me a bit. I can't believe how much I've changed in such a short period of time. I'm not mired in delusion, I know how I got here...but "why am I here?" is the question that really chaps my ass. 

I will be 30 in less than two weeks. This is not where I should be in my life on the eve of the death of my formative years...this is my worst nightmare realized. I should be making school lunches and going over the monthly budget with my husband...not sitting at my computer in my empty house at 1 am whining on my blog while waiting for my laundry to dry.

What the bloody fucking hell happened to my life? I was on the right path and then all of a sudden...crash and burn.

I can't seem to get my bearings. Granted, I have a lot to recover from...but this is getting ridiculous. I shouldn't be this far away from the point where my life took a nosedive into hell and still be so aimless. And I realize this is a serious issue for me...but I can't seem to get right. I'm trying (somewhat), but I keep getting set back. I'm not delusional enough to believe that I'm being slighted by God...I just fail to understand what I did to deserve a karmic smackdown this severe. I'm by no means perfect, but I've racked my brains for the last 3 years trying to figure out what I did and can't come up with a thing.

No, I don't have selective memory. lol;)

I do, however, choose not to buy into the happy pill craze. I've tried them before on the advice of a totally useless therapist (sidenote: how is it helpful to constantly talk about what's bothering you to someone? i keep that crap somewhat repressed for my own sanity...and you want me to talk about it? every week? once the session is over, I can't stop thinking about what's bothering me for the rest of the day. and I'm supposed to pay you for that? thanks...i think not. /end rant), but it didn't make me happy, it just made me forget about my troubles until the late hours of the night. So I self-medicate. And I don't give a damn who has a problem with that. Cheap...and I feel great. Whoever said that drinking solves nothing can kiss my ass. I go to work, I do my job and I come home and have a drink. I'm not driving drunk. I'm not being a public nuisance, I'm minding my business in my house with the added bonus of the general public not being bothered by the sight of my miserable ass.

I'm not pining for the past or the never-to-be-realized future I once looked forward to. I'm not a martyr, just disappointed. Shit happens...and you just have to learn to adjust. So I sit in my empty home and enjoy my drink and wait...for what? I have no idea....  

Aw hell, screw it, life aint fair... and that's never gonna change.

*drops mic*

Christmas is cancelled...

I love Christmas. Not because of the gifts, the music, the weather, the decorations, the warm nights with someone I love just enjoying the season...but all of it combined. There's something about the holiday season that always cheers me up.

But this year...fuck Christmas.

This is the first Christmas that I'm spending alone. My "it's complicated" who played understudy for the absentee husband last year is gone and I don't feel like hanging out with my family or friends (everyone in my age range are either married with kids or happily single with kids). I just can't do all the family "fun" when I'm so miserable. I hate to be the wet blanket and lately I am having a hard time masking my misery, so I'm choosing to opt out of the festivities in in an effort not to ruin everyone's good time.

No, I'm not a martyr and no it isn't some lame cry for help or attention.

I am honestly looking forward to spending this time alone. In past years, I couldn't wait until the holiday season, but when I moved out of the apartment my ex and I shared, I trashed my Christmas tree. Not just because I hated it (I wanted a white fake tree--every since I was a kid I wanted that white tree, I know it looks extra fake, but I wanted it nonetheless--but the ex insisted on a more realistic-looking tree, never mind the fact that he was Baha'i and only adopted the holiday for the gifts and food), but because I didn't feel that my house was a home anymore. Homes need Christmas trees, houses don't. I mean, why jack up my light bill if I'm the only one who's gonna enjoy it? Sure, the lights would dance off the bottles of booze that I now hold near and dear (don't judge me...you try living with the thoughts in my head that only alcohol will temporarily kill), but that isn't reason enough to screw my January budget.

This year, I'm thinking about taking a trip for Christmas. More importantly, I think I'm going to do something that truly makes me happy these days...drinking, gambling, wallowing in self-pity and singing Christmas carols. So where can all of that self-destructive fun come together so seamlessly? Vegas baby!

Ok, I was way too optimistic there. I took a look at flights out of DCA to McCarran anywhere near Christmas and the rates are ridiculous. Not that I expected anything other than that...oh well, looks like I'll be driving up to Atlantic City again. Hey, at least that'll extend my gambling budget.

I originally had a plan to sit in an empty hotel room drinking almost to the point of unconsciousness and then just blow my brains out...but that seemed too maudlin and overdone. Still runs through my head, but I'd like to continue properly earning my seat in the hottest corner of hell. As I sat on my couch last night staring at the tv (I don't even watch tv anymore, lord only knows why I had it on), it hit me exactly how lonely I am. I'm a smartass and I like being able to make comments at tv shows with someone...and I miss that. As it is, I hate being in the house because I'm here by myself. My fish are beautiful, but they don't talk back.

I don't pray anymore. Not because I've lost faith (oh, I know something's up there...who else could be enjoying themselves watching the trainwreck that my life has become), but because whenever I pray for something, the exact opposite happens. I got hip to that a few years ago and started praying for the opposite of what I needed/wanted...but still got the shaft. But I read the following prayer on CL earlier and it seemed like if I tried it, this last-ditch effort might just turn into a Christmas miracle (those happen, right? for my sake--and sanity--I hope they do). So here goes....come on big money, big money, no whammy!

Dear God - Please hear my prayer. Please take the pain, anger, and longing away. Please remove him from my heart and mind. I can't take this anymore, and I must turn to you now. Please also hear my prayer, and bring me a man who loves me for ME only, and nothing else. Just please remove this ghost of a man from my heart and mind...or at least take the pain and suffering that has festered inside me for the last year. Please. Amen.

Hurry up 12/21/12

I'm tired and I don't want to do this anymore. I'm lonely and miserable and broken. I'm damaged goods and toxic to anyone who dares get close to me. This life has become unbearable, but I'm terrified of going to hell (which is where I'll probably end up anyway cause God has a sick sense of humor when it comes to my life--might as well extend to afterlife), so I'm too much of a coward to end it all myself (I tried, but the boys in blue threw me in the nut house because --gasp!--attempting suicide is illegal and there's SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR--really? last time I checked my life is in the fucking gutter, what the hell am I living for? to pay bills? to watch life pass me by? to see my ex husband and his ogre of a mistress continue to have children while I mourn the loss of that capability --thanks cancer--what the FUCK is so good about life?!?!)

God, I hate everything and everyone, please give me a heart attack or stroke or something, I'm just fucking tired of it all. I'm tired of putting on a fake smile to try to placate everyone. I'm not happy, I'm fucking miserable. I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!

Flame away, I don't give a shit.

End rant.