I love Christmas. Not because of the gifts, the music, the weather, the decorations, the warm nights with someone I love just enjoying the season...but all of it combined. There's something about the holiday season that always cheers me up.
But this year...fuck Christmas.
This is the first Christmas that I'm spending alone. My "it's complicated" who played understudy for the absentee husband last year is gone and I don't feel like hanging out with my family or friends (everyone in my age range are either married with kids or happily single with kids). I just can't do all the family "fun" when I'm so miserable. I hate to be the wet blanket and lately I am having a hard time masking my misery, so I'm choosing to opt out of the festivities in in an effort not to ruin everyone's good time.
No, I'm not a martyr and no it isn't some lame cry for help or attention.
I am honestly looking forward to spending this time alone. In past years, I couldn't wait until the holiday season, but when I moved out of the apartment my ex and I shared, I trashed my Christmas tree. Not just because I hated it (I wanted a white fake tree--every since I was a kid I wanted that white tree, I know it looks extra fake, but I wanted it nonetheless--but the ex insisted on a more realistic-looking tree, never mind the fact that he was Baha'i and only adopted the holiday for the gifts and food), but because I didn't feel that my house was a home anymore. Homes need Christmas trees, houses don't. I mean, why jack up my light bill if I'm the only one who's gonna enjoy it? Sure, the lights would dance off the bottles of booze that I now hold near and dear (don't judge me...you try living with the thoughts in my head that only alcohol will temporarily kill), but that isn't reason enough to screw my January budget.
This year, I'm thinking about taking a trip for Christmas. More importantly, I think I'm going to do something that truly makes me happy these days...drinking, gambling, wallowing in self-pity and singing Christmas carols. So where can all of that self-destructive fun come together so seamlessly? Vegas baby!
Ok, I was way too optimistic there. I took a look at flights out of DCA to McCarran anywhere near Christmas and the rates are ridiculous. Not that I expected anything other than that...oh well, looks like I'll be driving up to Atlantic City again. Hey, at least that'll extend my gambling budget.
I originally had a plan to sit in an empty hotel room drinking almost to the point of unconsciousness and then just blow my brains out...but that seemed too maudlin and overdone. Still runs through my head, but I'd like to continue properly earning my seat in the hottest corner of hell. As I sat on my couch last night staring at the tv (I don't even watch tv anymore, lord only knows why I had it on), it hit me exactly how lonely I am. I'm a smartass and I like being able to make comments at tv shows with someone...and I miss that. As it is, I hate being in the house because I'm here by myself. My fish are beautiful, but they don't talk back.
I don't pray anymore. Not because I've lost faith (oh, I know something's up there...who else could be enjoying themselves watching the trainwreck that my life has become), but because whenever I pray for something, the exact opposite happens. I got hip to that a few years ago and started praying for the opposite of what I needed/wanted...but still got the shaft. But I read the following prayer on CL earlier and it seemed like if I tried it, this last-ditch effort might just turn into a Christmas miracle (those happen, right? for my sake--and sanity--I hope they do). So here goes....come on big money, big money, no whammy!
Dear God - Please hear my prayer. Please take the pain, anger, and longing away. Please remove him from my heart and mind. I can't take this anymore, and I must turn to you now. Please also hear my prayer, and bring me a man who loves me for ME only, and nothing else. Just please remove this ghost of a man from my heart and mind...or at least take the pain and suffering that has festered inside me for the last year. Please. Amen.