...and I'm spending it alone...again.
Well, I'm not on the verge of offing myself, so I guess that's an improvement from last year. Heh.
I think I may go the George Costanza route and celebrate Festivus with an airing of grievances. At least my puppy can't destroy a metal pole, Lord knows I know better than to attempt to erect an actual Christmas tree with ornaments and tinsel and whatnot for him to jump into and chew up.
I'm not going back to Vegas either, I basically splurged my entire Christmas bonus last year for that trip and while fun, totally not worth the headache of being broke in January.
This year I'm going to rave as much as possible. I just went to Fall Massive the Saturday following Thanksgiving and had a blast (seriously, I haven't felt so much like my old self since my life took a nosedive into the darkest pits of hell).
I'm planning on going to a NYE rave up in Bmore and I'm trying to find stuff to attend before then. I really only feel like the old me when I'm raving. Maybe it's the music, maybe it's the crowd (hell, maybe it's the happy pills), or maybe some combination of all three. But whatever it is, it's good therapy. I forget all my troubles for a few blessed hours, I love myself again, and I remember the person I used to be. It's been so long since I've been the old me and it's refreshing to see the effect I have on my fellow ravers (I am a love magnet...I had several people come up to me at Massive to say they loved me and give me a hug---and a few free drinks, tee-hee--all the while ignoring the people I was with until I turned to them to make an introduction).
A dear friend of mine once told me that my mood makes the party, that folks feel like smiling when they see me smiling and the fact that I'm happy seems to make things that much better (and for the record, he was sober when he said this lol). That's not me being conceited, but sometimes I notice how the room changes with my mood. Kind of bittersweet, I don't always feel like being happy and sometimes I really resent how my friends take offense to me not wanting to be bubbly all the damn time. I'm a person dammit! My life sucks sometimes...let me be upset for five minutes before I revert to fucking entertaining you!
Oy...things need to start looking up or I need to be raving every weekend because I can't do another year in this rut...I just can't. If I find myself in this same position another year from now, no amount of booze or pills will save me from myself, I'm tired.
I leave you with my new favorite DJ, Skrillex...the name of this track is so apropos right now.