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Monday, April 4, 2011

Stairway to where...?

I'm sitting at the base of the steps...more aptly, I'm recovering from my fall at the base of the steps.

I don't recognize the person in the mirror anymore. That scares me a bit. I can't believe how much I've changed in such a short period of time. I'm not mired in delusion, I know how I got here...but "why am I here?" is the question that really chaps my ass. 

I will be 30 in less than two weeks. This is not where I should be in my life on the eve of the death of my formative years...this is my worst nightmare realized. I should be making school lunches and going over the monthly budget with my husband...not sitting at my computer in my empty house at 1 am whining on my blog while waiting for my laundry to dry.

What the bloody fucking hell happened to my life? I was on the right path and then all of a sudden...crash and burn.

I can't seem to get my bearings. Granted, I have a lot to recover from...but this is getting ridiculous. I shouldn't be this far away from the point where my life took a nosedive into hell and still be so aimless. And I realize this is a serious issue for me...but I can't seem to get right. I'm trying (somewhat), but I keep getting set back. I'm not delusional enough to believe that I'm being slighted by God...I just fail to understand what I did to deserve a karmic smackdown this severe. I'm by no means perfect, but I've racked my brains for the last 3 years trying to figure out what I did and can't come up with a thing.

No, I don't have selective memory. lol;)

I do, however, choose not to buy into the happy pill craze. I've tried them before on the advice of a totally useless therapist (sidenote: how is it helpful to constantly talk about what's bothering you to someone? i keep that crap somewhat repressed for my own sanity...and you want me to talk about it? every week? once the session is over, I can't stop thinking about what's bothering me for the rest of the day. and I'm supposed to pay you for that? thanks...i think not. /end rant), but it didn't make me happy, it just made me forget about my troubles until the late hours of the night. So I self-medicate. And I don't give a damn who has a problem with that. Cheap...and I feel great. Whoever said that drinking solves nothing can kiss my ass. I go to work, I do my job and I come home and have a drink. I'm not driving drunk. I'm not being a public nuisance, I'm minding my business in my house with the added bonus of the general public not being bothered by the sight of my miserable ass.

I'm not pining for the past or the never-to-be-realized future I once looked forward to. I'm not a martyr, just disappointed. Shit happens...and you just have to learn to adjust. So I sit in my empty home and enjoy my drink and wait...for what? I have no idea....  

Aw hell, screw it, life aint fair... and that's never gonna change.

*drops mic*

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