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Friday, October 29, 2010

Paying dust...

I have a bit of a problem...I'm a lonely, bitter old crone. My "it's complicated" has gone from a band-aid on a stab wound to salt in an open wound. Let me rap it down to you (Cheech and Chong reference!).

So, I'm currently seeing this guy. He's a sweetheart when he wants to be, but he can also be a bit of a bastard when--oh, i dunno--the sun shines (or whatever else little petty reason he can muster up to validate his temper tantrums). I put up with his BS because for a minute, I thought I had found a better version of what I'd lost. He brings that familiarity that I so desperately miss. Now, I'm no spring chicken and I realize a rebound relationship hardly ever pans out, but the ends no longer justify the means. I don't want to argue, I don't want to be mad, I just want to spend some quality time and be happy enjoying each others' company. But more and more it seems like I'm concerned with our best interests and he's just concerned with his own.

I wish I would accept that.

I've come to the realization that if I spend half of my time miserable and fighting, I'm not really improving my situation. So, I've started to stop caring. When he wants to argue, I pay him no attention. When he gets in a little tizzy and prepares to go home, I no longer try to stop him. What's the point? So I can end up apologizing for something I didn't even do? Nah son, I'm over it. The honeymoon phase is long over. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy our time together when we're in a good place, but I've learned to switch off when things go sour for the evening. The question now becomes: how long do I even bother to hope for a good evening? 

Some day it will be my turn again. Although I'm sure I'll die of a massive stroke the day after I find happiness. What can I say? I'm cynical, I've been screwed over, I know just how cruel life can be, so I broke my rose-colored glasses and took a long hard look at reality.

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

*drops mic*

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